Cracks are Starting to Show

I spoke with my sister this morning. She was a bit agitated and frustrated with Colin. We are encountering some bumps in the transition.

The guidance counselor had contacted Aunt P about difficulties in French. Colin is behind and the French teacher thinks it will be difficult to catch up. It was recommended that he drop the class and be put in another enrichment class.

On the other hand, Colin is way ahead in Honors Geometry. It appears his old school had taught many of the concepts last year. There is discussion is letting Colin test out and perhaps bump him ahead in math. My sister, my husband and I all think this is a bad idea and could potentially hurt Colin next year. We are afraid he might miss information critical to his success in high school.

No surprise, Colin has other ideas. He thinks he can catch up in French and wants to skip ahead in math. He has a bit of an ego and thinks he is smart enough to handle both issues on his own. We are concerned about his emotional maturity.

Colin is also becoming more obstinate in getting dressed for school as well. He fell asleep in the polo shirt and shorts he wore on Monday and refused to change clothes this morning. Aunt P was angry he would not change but Uncle B told my sister to let it go. (I agree with Uncle B, sometimes you have to pick and choose your battles) He wants to hold his Aunt to her original suggestion about shopping for new clothes and does not want to wear his old clothes from home.

Aunt P has a policy of being honest and may be a little too honest with Colin. She made sure he knew that any new clothes would be paid for by his parents and pointed out that the polo he has been wearing is from home. She also mentioned that he is using his camera which was purchased by Mom and Dad. She is fuming and had to resist the instinct to "beat the kid".

My suggestion is to make sure she is calm when she is "being honest" and to allow Uncle B to intervene when she starts to lose her cool.

Giving Thanks

My sister decided to hold Thanksgiving at her house and my brother Mike and his wife will be driving in from Chicago. Our family is also invited. My husband is apprehensive and is inclined to decline the invitation. He doesn't want to upset Colin or ruin his holiday.

Colin most likely has overheard his Aunt talking about the dinner and asked about it. When told his parents and brothers were invited, he was upset. He was under the impression that we would not be coming to her house. His Aunt explained that she has a right to invite us over and that Colin was welcome to have dinner in his room. He would be safe from seeing us if he wanted to. We have a few weeks to let this settle in. If we do go to the dinner, we will try to keep the visit short.

Visit from the "Observer"

In other news, the CBT (psychologist) came to interview and observe Colin. My sister thought it went well. Colin was able to talk to her and agreed to go visit her at her office. He also was made aware that she was going to observe him at school but the other students would not know about it. He seemed fine.

I am praying that Colin can hold it together and not act out for his aunt like he did at home. I also pray that my sister can control her frustration and anger. This kid will require much patience and understanding. I hate that we are all walking on eggshells and hope we can continue to make progress.

We are a work-in-progress!

Photo Walk and Village People

 

Report From Family Friend Amy

Well...got to P's home around 4...and Colin and I took our cameras around the neighborhood and took pics for about 1 1/2 hrs! 

Then we came back and looked at our pics, and edited some, and traded emails...he wanted to of course show me all his thousands of pics...but I was not willing to go the long haul...so stopped that after a while..We had a good time. 

At one point, he got out his laptop and was showing me pics...his screen saver is you at work...and I did say "You know, she loves you alot"...and he said..."no"...and then asked me like ...so "how is it going'...obviously to change gears...I have some pics I will send you...we had fun. 

Hugs. 

He did say his aunt is "cool"!
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It Takes A Village  

 

My sister is blessed to have a nice group of friends and neighbors. I used to joke that we resembled the family in "The Middle" and my sister's neighborhood was similar to Wisteria Lane in "Desperate Housewives" ( without the murders and nefarious activities ). Their house tends to be a hub for gatherings and constant visitors. 

Aunt P has enlisted some of her neighbors to help be extra "eyes" to make sure Colin is doing o.k. at school, on the bus, and in the neighborhood. Our friend Amy, who shares a love of photography, and has the same camera as Colin, has offered to go on "photo walks" with him.

The first one, which took place yesterday (see report above) seems to have gone very well. Amy also emailed a bunch of photos she took. Colin looks happy and seems to be having fun. He also started to use his laptop that his dad dropped off the day before. This was one of the items from home he had rejected. Funny what a difference a day makes. He needs his computer to be able to view and process photos. 

As tough as this experience has been on all of us, I am encouraged that for now, we seem to be moving in the right direction. 

We are a work-in-progress.

Fresh Start

So far it looks like Colin is doing well. He has had a week in his new home and three days at his new school. It has been hard letting go, but as each day passes, I am a little more at ease. I've been checking in with my sister and getting updates.

Colin has been riding the school bus and seems to be fine with his new school. With the exception of French, he finds his classes easy so far. Overall, my son seems to be happy. Aunt P asked Colin if he was more comfortable at her house, and he replied that he was. Her house is much bigger than ours and the trigger-noises are not as noticeable. He likes having his own room with his own bathroom. It is also a nice bonus to have a new t.v. and a nice supply of video games. He is getting spoiled!

Colin still has a peculiar way of sleeping. He has either been sleeping kneeling and resting his head on a chair, or on the floor with a pillow and blankets. He wears his headphones and covers his head with the blanket. My sister tried to put the Murphy bed down, but Colin asked to have it put up again into the wall. He prefers to have the floor clear of a bed. It's been tempting to put a hidden camera in the room so Colin can be observed at night but the kid already has trust-issues. We don't want to damage his relationship with his aunt.

Last night he went trick-or-treating for Halloween by himself. He originally wanted to dress as Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory. His dad went and bought a costume and took it out to the house while Colin was at school. Dad also took over a box of more clothes from home. The costume was rejected as this was from his parents. Colin ended up going dressed as a banana, using a borrowed getup from his cousin.

Our son chafes at some of his belongings from home. He has to be coaxed and prodded to wear his old clothes which he rejects as something his parents bought for him. There seems to be a selective aversion to the trappings of his old life. The new camera he received this year as a birthday present has been put to good use. He has been taking pictures of the dog and two birds that also reside at his new home. Tonight he is out taking photos with a family friend who shares his hobby and has the same camera. I'll hear from her later to see how it went.

I'll try to lay low and try not to call the house over the weekend. I need to back off and let my sister call me with any news. Monday afternoon, Colin will be visited by an "observer" (Behavioral Psychologist) to see how he is doing. I am anxious to see how this goes. I'm not sure yet what the frequency and lengths of visits will be. I also have to trust the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapist) team know what they are doing. They are dealing with a very clever boy who is adverse to anything that will require him to open up about his sound sensitivities and parent issues.

We are a work-in-progress!

Colin Goes To School

Post to Parent Support Group - Tuesday, 10/29/13

Colin Update: So far so good. My sister was able to enroll my son in his new school. Colin was taken for a tour and able to meet the principal. Tomorrow is his first day.

He seems to be sleeping better at his aunt's house and has not shown any signs of triggering. He wears his headphones at night when alone in his new room but not usually in the presence of others.

The weird part is today, when the lawn crew was arriving, my sister warned Colin and asked if he needed to leave the house with her to go on an errand.(Lawn mowers had recently become one of his worst triggers at our house.) He said he'd be o.k. and would go to the basement if necessary. When the hum of the mowers was audible, Colin had gone to the kitchen to get an ice cream sandwich and did not seem at all disturbed.

Could getting rest and eating ice cream in the presence of a trigger help keep it at bay? Did the advance warning help? Perhaps a different setting helped? Clearly this new setting is agreeing with him. I am hopeful.

Melinda: My miso is definitely much worse when I am tired and/or stressed out. Rest and ice cream could potentially be very helpful in reducing sensitivity.  

Me: Ice cream is my kind of medicine!

Teresa: Great news! Happy for you and your family. 

Lisa: All of the above can help. My daughter is much less reactive when in a situation where she is happy......and wearing earplugs and her Bose headphones. But recently in a situation where she was enjoying herself, she was able to tolerate someone who was coughing....normally her biggest trigger where she would want to hit the person. But she didn't want to leave the situation. So positive experience was able to override her normal response to a trigger. Glad to her the update on your son. What a tough road our kids have to navigate through life....when life itself is hard enough.

Dr. J: Change of scenery appears to be significant here and in other instances, takes a while to build up new triggers  

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My husband delivered the last piece of paper (birth certificate) to my sister yesterday morning. They met at a breakfast place so not to upset our son. Aunt P told Colin that she was going to meet his dad. There was no reaction. Our son knows that his aunt will be meeting and speaking with us but that he does not have to.

Colin visited his new school with his aunt at 1:00 p.m. to get formally registered and for a tour. The only glitch so far is that Colin is taking French which is not offered in middle school. He will have to take the bus in the morning with his cousin to the high school. Fortunately there are a few 8th graders that do this. Another oddity in the eyes of my sister is that Colin prefers to pack a lunch rather than buy one at school like his cousin. Our son told his aunt that he can make his own lunch and has done this at his house. Lunch meat and sandwich bread has been bought. 

Next on the list is new school clothes. We have sent a pile of Colin's clothing to his new home but our son is very reluctant to wear them. He seems to reject things that we have bought for him. Aunt P offered to take Colin clothes shopping and we told her to give us the receipts so we can reimburse her.

Colin seems to be sleeping well and adapting to his new home. My sister is afraid they will spoil him and teach our son bad behavior. My nephew has the latest version of Grand Theft Auto and has been letting Colin play this game which I find horrific. I am oddly o.k. with this. 

Everyone is a bit on edge as to when and what might trigger an attack. So far there has been none. Colin only seems to wear his headphones at night and in the privacy of his room. The curious event was mentioned in the above post to my parent support group. We were all surprised at the lack of a visible response to the lawn crew at my sister's house. 

Is he holding it in to appear "normal"? Was ice cream used as a coping mechanism? Does a new home make the difference?  Will there be a build up of new triggers?

Only time will tell.

We are a work-in-progress! 

 

The Talk

Sunday night my sister took Colin for a walk. She broached the dreaded topic of transferring to a new school. Our son was still under the impression that he was going to go back home and take up where he left off. He thought he could live in our house, avoid his parents and go back to school.

His Aunt P. made it clear that this was not possible, nor was she going to drive three hours a day to get him to and from his old school. I doubt he'd survive the daily car rides anyways, especially when the heater or windshield wipers needed to be used.

She explained that his options were to live with her or go to a group home and advised our son to choose wisely. He would not have the cushy environment in foster-care or a group home. Aunt P also mentioned that she needed to get guardianship rights. Colin asked her if that meant he was going to live with her until he was 18. Aunt P paused and said "Maybe". She had a quiet inner freak-out. No one is prepared for the long-term prospects.

Aunt P then asked what he was going to tell the kids at his new school about his transfer. She suggested that he tell them he moved in with his Aunt because he couldn't get along with his parents.Colin said he would just say he moved.

"What are you going to tell friends when you bring them home to your Aunt's house?"

Colin replied that he doesn't have friends come over the house. He just isn't that kid. My sister was shocked. That is not what she is used to with her two boys. (Her eldest is a college freshman who is away at school). She has the house where everyone wants to come and hang out.

We were concerned how Colin would take the news. He seemed to be "o.k." and "fine" and didn't say much else.

Monday morning (yesterday morning) I called to see how things were going. I heard a cheerful "Hello" and then a click before I could say anything. I realized my son had answered and then hung up. My sister called back a few minutes later. She had a friend who had been storing some furniture at her house. They were moving it out of the house and Aunt P asked Colin to answer the phone. He told her that her sister called. Colin did the same thing a few hours later, when his dad called. This time there was no "Hello". Just silence and a click.
That afternoon my husband met me at my office to get some papers signed and notarized. He then met my sister downtown at the County Courthouse. We now have the guardianship process underway. Hopefully Colin will be able to start school in the next day or so.
That evening I was able to get a report. Colin has been sleeping on an area rug the last few nights on his back and wearing his headphones. This is an improvement from trying to sleep sitting up. I am glad he seems to be getting sleep.

He also has been helpful around the house. He made his cousin's bed and helped pick up a bit. My sister is afraid that won't last long and that his cousin will teach him bad behavior. At this point, I don't care. I am so glad Colin seems to be thriving. I am relieved at how the transition is going so far and will not be able to relax until the new school is underway.

My sister offered to write reports for the blog. She also wants to supply links to his new school administrators so they better understand the situation. I think both are great ideas but am doubtful they would have the time or interest to read what is becoming a lengthy book. I did express concern about being careful about who she shares information with. We are worried if any classmates know about Colin's select sound sensitivities, we will all be in big trouble.

 I'm hoping for a good day today!

We are a work-in-progress!

Sunday Morning Recon

I called my sister late this morning to get a quick update. She and her husband left Colin yesterday afternoon and evening with his (almost) 16 year old cousin to go to an OSU game where they were hosting a tailgate party. My nephew was still sleeping when I called, but Colin was already up, had breakfast and was back in his room.

When my sister and brother-in-law came back at 1:30 a.m., Colin was asleep in his room with the t.v. on. My sister turned off the t.v. and lights and went to bed. He seemed to be in a decent mood this morning but there was no report from his still sleeping "babysitter". Colin had offered to help his aunt and uncle clean up their party van later today after they had a chance to recover from the night before. I was grateful that our son is trying to be helpful around the house.

We are all concerned how Colin will take the news that he will have to transfer to a new school. When I spoke to my sister yesterday, my son was talking about dressing like Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory to go Trick-or-Treating and seemed a bit confused when he was told he'd be at his current home for Halloween. He still was under the impression that he'd be back home and at his school by then. My sister gently mentioned that this was not likely.

In order to remove any doubt about where we stood, I had my sister put me on hold and approach my son. She told him I was on the phone and wanted to know if he would like his laptop to be able to play YuGiOh online with his brothers or to have his 15 year old brother visit today. Colin was a bit taken aback and said that he thought I wasn't going to call the house. His aunt explained that I'm still her sister and that she will still talk to his mother but he doesn't have to. Colin said that he did not want his laptop or to see his brother, nor did he want to speak with me.  

This will make the "talk" go a bit easier. There is no way this boy is ready to come home.

The next step is to hire an attorney to guide us through the guardianship process. We want to be careful not to take any steps that would be hard to undo. We also want to make sure we do not cause my sister and her family to have any financial liability for our son.

For now, our son is being left alone to chill out. We are all being careful to not put too much on him at once. After being witness to the effects of being triggered, my sister is proceeding with a healthy caution. The talk can wait until later today. Tomorrow we will take steps to get the school transfer moving along.

We are a work-in-progress.

Making the Transition

After a rocky start yesterday when it came time to leave the psych hospital,  Colin has settled into his new home. I spoke with my sister last night as well as this morning when she had chances to sneak away. Everyone has been a bit on edge to see how the transition would go. I compared this to bringing home a new baby and my sister agreed.

When he arrived last evening, Colin noticed the great lengths his aunt went to insure his comfort. He remarked that she went to a lot of trouble, told her it wasn't necessary and made sure to thank her. He seems to like his new room and settled in. Colin found a soft child's flip foam chair to sleep on and fell asleep with the t.v. on. The bedroom has a Murphy Bed which currently is up into the wall and will be brought down if Colin decides he would like to sleep in a bed.

He also has been spending a lot of time playing video games both with and without his cousin. One of the things my sister found interesting is that the gaming system in Colin's room had a noticeable fan noise (which can be a trigger and why he stopped using his own laptop). Our son wore his headphones but didn't seem to mind the sound. When asked if the noise was a problem, he said he was o.k.

It was clear that the joy of playing a game that he was interested in, was worth the discomfort.

Starting to Plan for the Next Few Steps

Today we had a meeting with the Cognitive Behavioral Psychologist. My sister pulled into the parking lot of the Behavioral Health Center the same time my husband and I did. We had a chance to chat for a few minutes before our appointment. She had brought Colin's workbooks where I was told he had mentioned some of the sounds that bug him and admitted to getting angry and yelling at his parents.

I was hoping to gather some insights as well as see what progress had been made. What I learned is that we have a young man who is very angry at his parents and felt we put him there to punish him. My sister and I could not help but laugh at what was written on the covers of each book.

One book had the following written in pencil across the cover: 

For pages 2 - 10, I am not going to answer them. I am a healthy boy and I can deal with myself, and I can try to deal with my parents. I am fine, and I just want to go home.

P.S.  - I think my parents put me here just to punish me. They are much more insane and mentally challenged than any person in this building.

The other book had the following message:

For mental suicidal sociopaths who are not the very fine, normal, and ok me that this very adolescent and immature book proclaims I am not.

In my son's defense, the book did seem a bit childish for a teen or preteen.  The only revealing pages were:  

These are the things that bug me. The center of the page had a round face with six oval shapes to write in answers.
Colin wrote the following: AC, Misc. noises, Refrigerator, Waterheater, Fan

and

These are some of the reasons I came to the hospital:

I am perfectly healthy and capable of going home. But I came here because, I guess, I totally hate my parents and I scream at them alot.

The rest of the book was used to mostly state that he was fine. For example on the page for different ways kids deal with stress (play sports, listen to music, watch tv or play video games...)  he was to circle the ones he wanted to try.  Instead he wrote: "I am fine in every possible way. The person who gave me this book obviously does not know that."

From what I can see, we have a young man who is pissed-off at his parents and is not yet ready to admit any problems. I don't see that Colin's time at the hospital has changed much other than perhaps deepening his hatred toward his parents. I am now acutely aware of the deficiencies in our mental health care system. I don't even want to think about how much this adventure in futility has cost us.

In our hour-long meeting with the psychologist, we discussed some of our current concerns such as how to talk to Colin, setting realistic boundaries such as times to settle in for the night and morning routine, and preparation for starting a new school. We will have to sign over guardianship rights to my sister.

It is important to not get too far ahead of ourselves and take it one day at a time. Baby steps.... for a 12 year old baby.

We are a work-in-progress!