Never Enough Hours in a Day

The past month has been a whirlwind of activity. I wish I knew how much sleep Colin is getting and I worry it is not enough. Ultimate Frisbee has replaced swimming for the Spring thus the chauffeuring continues.

Highlights from the past month:

• Colin was inducted into the National Honor Society a few weeks ago. I learned about the event 45 minutes before he had to be at the school. I found out that evening as I was about to pick the dog up from daycare. I was able to fetch the pup and do a quick change and only be 5 minutes late in dropping him off before finding a parking spot. Fortunately there was a 15 minute period before the ceremony and disaster was narrowly averted. On the way home I was told that the reason my son joined this group was so he could do his service project. He wants to tutor other students in Calculus. #proudmommoment
•  Last week Lifeguard Classes started. Thankfully this will be over at the end of the week. I am under the gun to race to the high school, pick up my son and shuttle him to the class by 5:00 p.m. As stressful as this is, I am glad to be able to do this task. I also take a few snacks to my son for the short ride to the pool. This seems to help with his mood.
• Eldest came home on Friday for summer break from his first year at college. Colin seems to look up to his brother and seems glad he is home. 
• Last night on the way to his class, Colin mentioned he needed a study guide for the SAT Biology exam. He apologized for the late notice but needed us to get it that night. I was able to locate a copy at the local B&N bookstore and Dad picked it up. In addition to all his activities, study sessions start tonight for the 2 subject test. He will be the first of my boys to take this exam. My middle-son mentioned that he regretted not doing this as this test is important to get into the top universities. 
• Colin is still on a wonky sleep schedule. When he comes home at night. ( Now 9:30 p.m.) he falls asleep, usually in the bathroom, for several hours. When he wakes up, usually in the wee hours of the morning, he is panicked and frantically will try to catch up on studying and schoolwork. This is a crunch week, with AP tests coming up, his after- school activities and preparing for exams. 
• Occasionally I will perform some internet searches to keep track of Colin's online activity (what is public). I stumbled upon his profile on a gaming site. I am able to view activity over two week periods. One period which one of the weeks fell over Spring Break, my son racked up 103 hours! That is equal to having a full-time job with overtime! He has been gaming approximately 55 hours over the last two weeks which is more like a part-time job but still a bit worrisome. I mentioned this to my eldest who said I should not be concerned. I was told that this is the amount of time logged in and does not indicate hours in play.

Overall, Colin continues to hold steady. Some days are better than others. The routine and concerns remain. I am relieved that my son has maintained a 4.0 and higher throughout the school year. He seems to be focused on his schoolwork and college prep work. While I feel that computer games have been beneficial to my son's coping, I do worry that he is spending too much time online. Time that could be better spent sleeping and resting his brain. Unfortunately, my husband and I have an agreement to continue a hands-off approach as long as the 4.0 GPA remains and he is able to peacefully coexist in our household.

All in all, I continue to be grateful for where Colin is today. Life is not perfect but it is good enough. The trick is to not worry about the future and to focus on the day-to-day. It is also helpful to keep expectations simple. I can live with the daily "shushes" when my son wants quiet. I can even handle infrequent "Shut-up"s. I draw the line at the "rages" from a few years ago and am glad there have been ZERO since Colin has been back from living at his aunt's house.

As always, we are a work-in-progress!

The Pit

Spring break is over. The boys are back to school this week and we are getting back on track with the daily grind. Yesterday morning I awoke to an intermittent beep. I knew right away this was one of our Atomic clocks whose battery was running low. Hubs got up and began the search for the culprit. He started by looking in eldest's room that is currently being used as my husband's top-floor office while our son is away at college.

Quietly my husband motioned for me to follow him as he stopped at the doorway and pointed. There lay Colin, wrapped tightly in his fleece blanket, sleeping in his big brother's bed. This is only the third time I can recall Colin sleeping in a bed since he has been at home. When he was at his aunt's home, he slept on a rug, refusing to use the Murphy Bed.

We let him sleep for a bit until Dad needed to wake him. Colin explained that he was up at 4:00 a.m. and came upstairs to ask his middle-brother for some help with some school work. No surprise, his brother was fast-asleep. Colin decided to crash in the empty bed in his eldest brother's room next door. I am marking this as a bit of progress.

Doctor Visits

During the boys' break, my husband scheduled doctor visits. Colin had his annual check up at the pediatrician. The doctor was impressed with Colin's progress. He has grown a few inches and his demeanor is so much better. One of the areas of concern was a pit at the top part of an ear that Colin has had since birth. This is also known as a preauricular ear pit It fills up with a pus-like substance and sometimes appears infected. (photo below is from web)


Colin was referred to a specialist and willingly went without any hesitation. At the visit to the ENT, the physician recommended surgery to remove the excess tissue and close the opening to the sinus. Faced with the option of having the surgery now versus later when it would most-likely be a much bigger issue, Colin, much to my surprise, decided to schedule the out-patient operation right after school lets out in June.

While I was elated at my son's mature decision, in looking at the paperwork for medical history in the folder my husband brought home, one line caught my eye. It was a short two-word description under "Problem List".

Behavior Disorder

The label that grabbed my attention under "Problem List" was "Behavior Disorder". This sort of thing gets under my skin and I do a slow burn. What irritates me is the random labels used to sum up the trauma our family has faced for the past few years.

This is EXACTLY my problem with illnesses and disorders that fall under the umbrella of "Mental Health". There is no doubt in my mind that the root cause of Colin's issues are neurologically-based. To categorize this as a behavioral problem is a slap in the face.

If someone had a broken leg would that be described as "walking issue" or can't walk right? How about someone that has MS being labled "uncoordinated"? Or Parkinson's as a nervous, shaking ailment????

This is another example of why I have so much disappointment at the state of our mental health care. Despite the fact most of what falls under "Mental Illness" is rooted in a biological cause, the term implies (at least to me) that these issues can be treated simply with talk therapy.

As always..... We are a work-in-progress!

Reading The Signs

Owly by Andy Runton

When Colin was eight years old one of his favorite book series was Owly by Andy Runton. He used to tell me about some of the stories he read. I was stunned to discover the books relied on pictures and symbols and not words to tell stories. It was a real eye-opener to discover this after hearing the vivid descriptions my son had relayed to me about Owly and his friends' adventures. It was hard to believe how much my son was able to glean from using his powers of observation to pluck a detailed story simply from illustrations.

Oddly enough, due to the limited contact we have with Colin, I now need to use my detective skills to be able to piece together what is happening in my son's life. By using a combination of eavesdropping, emails from school, pumping the other boys for information, comparing notes with my husband and using my powers of observation, I have developed a certain fluidity in reading the daily details of Colin. I have become more patient and to try not to press our son for details. All will be revealed over time.Colin's time.

This is part of our new normal.

The Shut-Up Warning System

Colin continues to avoid any mention of what might agitate (trigger) him and it is hard to decipher what might be Misophonia as opposed to normal teen annoyance. I have not witnessed a single rage since he has been back home for almost two years now. Instead we are given simple verbal cues.

I have developed a "Colin Warning System" to categorize my son's mood.

Shush - a single shush indicates "No more talking", signalling the start of being bothered.

Shush, Shush - a double shush for " I don't want to hear a peep out of you. I am in no mood". This is sometimes done as a preemptive strike before a single word is uttered. It is best to avoid eye contact and go about your business. Quietly. And in another room."

Shut Up! - "I mean business. Go away and leave me alone. Not one more word. You have pushed the limit."

DIE! - "WTF? Did you not hear me? You have not heeded my warnings and I now want to kill you." At this point do not utter another peep and if possible run like hell to another room. Preferably on a different floor.

Verbal Jenga

Similar to the game with blocks, Verbal Jenga is played with words. I have learned before I speak to Colin, it is helpful to assess his mood. Ideally it is best to have him start the game ( conversation) and answer in as few words as possible.At any given point I will be shushed and the discussion comes tumbling to a halt.

If I make the first move, there are a few simple tips to prolong the shut down:

1. Is the question or comment absolutely necessary? Do not make small talk.
2. Am I relaying something of interest? You have better luck with topics near and dear to Colin's heart. 
3. Try to assess mood before speaking. Good mood = Green Light, Unreadable=Proceed with Caution and Red=Stop and wait till later.

When Colin initiates contact, I try to keep my response short and to the point, however I sometime try to push my luck. This morning was one of those days.

Our dog was trying to cough something up and Colin yelled upstairs to me that Sumter was puking. I asked where he had barfed and came down to look. I could not find anything. After telling my son that there was nothing to be found, I started a new topic.

I had signed Colin up for for Lifeguard Certification classes that start next month and wanted to make sure he got my email and text from yesterday with the details. He will need to miss some of his Ultimate Frisbee team practices over the course of two weeks. I needed to hear that he was o.k. with that and totally on board so that I am not wasting money. I also wanted to give him the news that the pool where the classes were being taught need lifeguards, they hire 15 year olds and he could get a job there if classes went well.

As I was being shut down, I tried to write the news on paper. I grabbed a pen and something to write on.

"Don't even bother!" I was told. " I won't read it and I'll just rip up the paper".

Game Over!

 Team Effort

I have relied on my older boys to help relay information and for recon as to what is happening with Colin. We have been so lucky to have this. While eldest is home for Spring Break, I am having him pick his brother up from school. Yesterday eldest went early to participate in Ultimate Frisbee practice with his baby brother. It does my heart good to see the boys get along.

Middle-son has been coaching his younger sibling to apply to a summer program on Mechanisms of Human Disease that he participated in last year. It is a prestigious class with limited space and only the top students from the area are accepted. It is rare for a rising Junior to get in and middle-son thought Colin has a chance at this, especially as a legacy.

I saw two sheets of paper by middle-son's door this morning and picked them up. It appeared that Colin wrote two different essays for his brother to review. After reading them, I was impressed and took pictures with my cell phone so I would have a record. Middle-son caught me and asked me to delete them. He did not want to betray his confidence with his sibling. I apologized and complied.

Sometimes a mother has a hard time with boundaries. I worry about next year with both of my older sons away at school. We will be left with just Colin and his trusty canine. I have no idea what the coming school year will hold.

Will we be able to maintain the stasis we currently enjoy? Will we manage without mediators? What will become of us?........ Stay tuned!

As always, we are a work-in-progress!

 

Time / Change

This past Sunday, we set our clocks ahead one hour and Colin set his ahead one year as he turned 15 that day. We seem to be maintaining a relative stasis and time seems to be flying by. The biggest current hiccup is being able to wake up on time as our internal clocks have not quite adjusted to the time change.

Schedule Change

I woke this morning and looked at my alarm clock. It was 6:50 and around the time I had wanted to leave the house. I jumped out of bed, took care of the dog, yelled to Colin, who was sleeping on the family room couch to wake up and I scurried up the stairs to get dressed and ready for the day. Before my ascent I reminded Colin that it was St. Patrick's Day and he needed to wear green, to which I was met with a "Shut Up!".

Today is also "Senior Skip Day" and my middle-son had made it clear he had no plans to go to school today. I woke my husband to have him deal with the drama as I did not want to add to my routine to have to take Colin to school.

As I was leaving the house, I looked at the living room clock. I was already more than 30 minutes off schedule. I loaded my belongings and the pup into my van and was ready to pull out, when Colin came running out of the house. He was half-dressed and shoeless. At least he was wearing a green shirt and coordinating tie!

"Wait!" he exclaimed. " I need to get to school early and am almost ready!".

I marched back into the house. I was told my son needed to be at school by 7:50 and my senior was stomping around upstairs. Forced by his dad to skip the skip-day and go to school, he was prepared to take his younger brother but there was no way he would get him there on time.

Exasperated, I asked "What do you have to get to school early for?" and Colin answered with four words that changed my attitude.

"National Honor Society Meeting"

Change of Attitude 

 

Due to our sparse communications with Colin, there are many details of his life that we are not clued into. The only hint I had that our youngest son was interested in joining the National Honor Society was an off-hand explanation why he skipped his Ultimate Frisbee Team practice one day last week. I was told he had an interview with two teachers for this prestigious society. While I was proud of our son, I have learned not to ask further questions and all would be revealed in good time, "Colin's Time".

I silently sighed as I finally made it out of our driveway and completely rerouted my morning. First stop: the boys' high school. There are far worse problems to have in life than a little extra driving. I reminded myself how truly lucky we are. *Moment of Gratitude*

As I pulled into the oval to drop my son off, I noticed the gas light was lit up on my dashboard, indicating I was about to run out of gas. I took a deep breath and told myself it would be o.k. but I still could feel my stress-levels rise a bit. I was ten miles from my next stop and driving a new mini-van. I was unclear how many miles to empty the tank was. 

I ended up getting gas at the nearest convenient station on my route adding a small additional cost to filling my tank. At least my stress-levels were lowered a bit. When I finally made it to my office I was an hour and 15 minutes off my desired arrival time. 

Putting things into perspective, life is good. I was not late for anything, did not run out of gas and my son is doing good. Make that GREAT! I won't be sporting a boasting bumper sticker, nor will I post this as a status on my FaceBook page. So you have an exclusive: 
It looks like my son is going to be a NHS Student!!!!!  #proudmommoment!

 Birthday Boy

Colin is still on a wonky sleep schedule and we continue to leave it be. On weekends he continues to live like a vampire, sleeping all day and up all night. His time-change / birth day was no exception. Tradition dictates that we take the birthday boy out to dinner and a movie of their choice. 

Colin woke up in time for dinner at Max & Erma's and then the movie "Whisky, Tango, Foxtrot" at 7:10 p.m.
Sunday night at the movies rewarded us with an empty theater. There were only two other people in the screening. They were seated in the back row and extremely quiet. It felt like we had the place to ourselves and I could not help but tell Colin that we arranged for a private screening. 

"Wasn't it nice that we rented out the entire theatre for your birthday?"

He cracked a smile at my joke.  On the way home, we picked up a chocolate cake. After lighting candles and enjoying a piece of chocolate cake, Dad brought a giant box in from the garage. Colin got a new computer for his birthday.

Colin was a bit subdued and politely thanked his father but added that all he really wanted was Lifeguard Certification classes so he could get a summer job as a Life Guard. I replied that he will get the coursework but not as a birthday gift as we had done the same for his brothers. Dad explained the reason for the new computer is that his laptop is a bit out-of-date and does not have enough memory to support all his games and computer programs.

In the end, it was a nice, somewhat normal birthday which in our world is extraordinary! The only thing missing was the presence of our eldest son who is away at college. We are all looking forward to his return at the end of this week.

Band Mom

Yesterday I was a volunteer driver for Colin's Jazz Band. This entailed waking up at the ungodly hour of 5:00 a.m. to get dressed and ready to chauffeur to a local performance. What made this task especially tough was the fact I had only a few hours of sleep. Our night owl came home right after school on Tuesday with his brother and immediately went into a coma from 4 - 9 p.m.

After a pizza dinner, Colin was up the rest of the night for homework and who knows what else. At 2:00 a.m. our son decided it was time to practice his trombone. I have no idea if he had the door to his room closed and did not have the energy to find out. Unfortunately half-way into his session, the dog started whining to go out. I was not destined to get any sleep.

I was rewarded with a chance to transport my son and two other boys to their gig and hear them interact. It did my heart good to see that not only did my son seem to fit in, he was in his element as the boys discussed Math and Latin classes.

I also had the chance to connect with another band mom. Part of our discussion turned to mental health issues. She has a teen daughter dealing with anxiety.  I briefly shared that we had faced some challenges with Colin due to some "Sensory Processing / Select Sound Processing" issues. We share a common belief that most mental illnesses have a biological basis and that brain research is not where it needs to be.

We originally started talking about her mother's Alzheimer's which led to the topic of brain research which then crept into mental health. She mentioned her daughter's struggles with Anxiety to explain her interest in the topic which made me feel safe to confide the reason for my interest. We found much common ground and felt we were destined to meet. There are so many similarities in dealing with Anxiety and Sensory Issues ( Misophonia). We both are obsessed with trying to help our children while facing the stigma of a disorder that falls under the umbrella of "Mental Illness".  

She has found support through her church while I have been fortunate to have discovered help online in support groups. We share the bond of having a stigma-inducing family issue that we don't often discuss with others. Fear of being unfairly judged and misunderstood forces us to try to maintain a stiff upper-lip.  I often wonder how many of my friends and acquaintances are facing hidden hardships. I pride myself on being an "open book". It is a challenge to keep our issues with Colin quiet. 

As I reflect over the past few years, I am extremely proud of what our son has been able to achieve, as well as our successes in navigating this tricky terrain on our own, without the help of pedigreed professionals. 


As always..... "We are a Work-In-Progress!

 

Uber Routine

The word uber has two different meanings. When used as a prefix or adjective, it can mean super or extreme. When used as a noun, we think of the car service, Uber. Both variations seem to currently apply to our lives.
It seems that we have gotten into a groove and Colin is in a super-routine. A large part of this routine entails my chauffeur services. I feel a bit like an Uber driver.

No complaints here. It just makes it harder to post meaningful updates to my blog.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

Swim season has accounted for a large part of our uber-routine. I have had the privilege of driving Colin to early morning practices thrice weekly and weekday after-practice pickup. I pack a box full of a variety of snacks, pick up my hungry and tired swimmer and then on to the doggie daycare to fetch "Colin's dog".

Depending on Colin's mood, I might get some conversation where I learn snippets of useful information about his life. The trick is to have a quiet car, good treats and let him initiate the conversation. I also keep my responses as short as possible.

Swim season and practices are ending soon. Thus so will this uber-routine!

Car-ride Intel

School seems to be going well. Colin has informed me about an economics project where he has a stock portfolio to manage. We were able to have a nice discussion about stocks and he looked up the performance history of  a few of  my stocks.

He also mentioned the PSAT test that high school sophomores take for practice. Colin mentioned that the scoring was a bit messed up and he did not do so well. I asked if he did not have enough time to finish or if he did not know some of the material. He replied in the negative to both.

Solving the Mystery

While Colin was not concerned about his testing results, I was perplexed. We had yet to see the results but after the scores should have been released, our mailbox has been filling up with mailers from colleges all over the US. Some of these have been from prestigious institutes of learning. It made no sense to me why top-notch schools would be reaching out to someone who had less-than-stellar scores.

I put a call into the high school guidance counselor and my suspicion was validated. Colin's results were not terrible, nor was there a mistake in scoring; just confusion in our son's interpretation.

In "Reading" he received a 650 / 760 and "Math" a 740 / 760.  I was told that if Colin can work on the reading, he could be in the running next year for National Merit Scholar.

Not only did I feel vindicated for my gut-feeling that something was off, I felt a great deal of pride. I was especially grateful that Colin was not given extra time for this test. This can work against him for tests like the ACT and SAT.

I am hopeful the future can be bright if we can help our son keep his sound issues under control.

 Sleep Schedule

The one part of of uber-routine that I am concerned about is Colin's crazy sleep pattern. During the week he will fall asleep in my car and it has been challenging to get him into the house. We then have a crabby and groggy boy who immediately finds a place to collapse and will nap for hours. It is not unusual for his dinnertime to be during the 11:00 news (or later). He then spends the wee hours of the morning either playing video games or doing homework in his room.

Sounds from our son's room can travel up the heating vent into the upstairs loft. We can usually tell when Colin is gaming due to yelling and swearing, which we are told is part of the gaming culture. Most parents would try to enforce a curfew or crack down more than we are. If the swearing is clearly audible, we will go down and request our son to "cool-it" and "quiet down".

My husband and I discussed at length what to do about this and we decided as long as our son continues his 4.0 Honor Roll status and his behavior is non-disruptive, we need to let him self-monitor.

I have noticed an increase of "shushes", "shut-ups" and even a rare "Die!" when our son is extremely tired and needs his rest and a quiet house. We continue to accommodate as much as possible.

As always, we are a work-in-progress!

Happy 2016!

In reflecting back on 2015, I'd call it "The Year of Gratitude".  There is so much to be grateful for. We may never be fully reconciled but I am content for where we are today. Colin is able to peacefully coexist in our home, he has been maintaining Honor Roll status at school while keeping a full and challenging schedule.We try to give him as much control over his life as possible which seems to be working.

The most noticeable "quirks" would be his preference for riding in the back of the car in complete silence. To accommodate our son, we keep the car radio off and tend to be quiet unless spoken to. I've learned to keep my questions and answers to a minimum as per Colin's original demand of "no unnecessary conversation".

He prefers to spend time in his room with minimal parental involvement, not unlike his older brothers. We have been concerned about his sleep schedule and the amount of time spent playing video games, however as long as he is maintaining his 4.0 GPA and able to continue with his other activities, we are keeping quiet.

To the untrained eye, our son would appear to be a neuro-typical teen.

Christmas Break 

The holidays have been blissfully uneventful. Eldest has been home for a few weeks now. He has helped take Colin to most of his swim practices, staying to swim with the team. I'm sure that Colin appreciated the interaction with his big brother. As a result, he had a 100% attendance rate for holiday practices and earned a free "Breakfast of Champions" this morning after lifting.

Christmas Day was quiet. The gifts were minimal due to the fact that no one asked for much. Colin asked for and received a new desk for his room. The boys also got mini drones as "Santa-Dad" felt the need to buy them each a toy. There was also money and gift cards from family and the usual candy-filled stockings.

The best gift that I received was a peaceful house and to see my boys get along.

This past Saturday, we made the 90 minute drive to see the in-laws. We took Sumter along for the ride and set up his crate and pen in their garage while we went to dinner. Our first stop after dropping off the pup and picking up Grandmommy  was to visit Granddaddy at the nursing home. He is in an Alzheimer Care Center, which is an uncomfortable place for teens. Colin was quiet but well-behaved.

Dinner and the rest of the visit went well.As did the rest of the weekend.

Back to the Grind

This morning was a bit tough for Colin. It took me several attempts to wake him. I also found that his laundry was still in the machines. I unloaded the dryer and put the damp clothes from the washer into the newly emptied dryer. I then proceeded to fold laundry in Colin's room until I was kicked out. Sometimes I have to be annoying to get the kid to wake up and get ready for school.

After Colin packed his lunch and bags, we were able to leave on time and make it to the athletic center for 6:15 a.m. lifting with over 10 minutes to spare!

Score one for the annoying mom!

As always, we are a work-in-progress!

Consequences

"Mom! I still have homework" he said in an exasperated tone. I swallowed the lecture that was bubbling up and ready to spew out. No good would come of this. I remained silent. We were almost at the high school and roughly 25 -30 minutes behind schedule.

I had the morning all planned out. My car was running on empty so I would pack up the pup and get gas on the way to his doggie daycare. I would then drop Sumter at 7:30 and be able to get to my work by 8:00 a.m. Middle son was supposed to take his brother to school. Somehow Colin decided he wanted to leave 20 minutes later and I would take him.

I told him that I needed to get gas and take Sumter to daycare. Colin responded that he could study in the car. After I filled up I proceeded to head to the doggie daycare and Colin was alarmed. He realized the dog was going to be dropped off first and he would be later than he hoped.

We pulled up to the High School drop off at 7:55. There was a half hour before the official start of the school day. Hopefully my passive-agressive message was received. I won't always change my schedule at the drop of a hat.

There are consequences.

The Rest of The Week

It's already Friday and the week has flown by. Colin is still struggling with a crazy sleep schedule. It is tough to wake him up most mornings. He gathers up papers off the printer, makes his lunch and scurries about. I am becoming the main source of transportation in the mornings. And evenings!

I pick him up after swim practice, around 6:00 p.m. We then drive to pick up the pup from doggie daycare. During the car ride, Colin falls asleep on the back seat and it is tough to get him out of the car when we arrive home. He then promptly goes to either the 1st floor half-bath or the upstairs master bath and falls asleep for a several-hours long nap.

Upon waking up around 10 p.m., he has dinner, retreats to his room and hopefully starts homework. At some point there is a late-late-night snack and lights are left on in the kitchen and basement. At 5:00 a.m.(M,W,F) or 6:00 a.m. (Tu, Th) I find him in his room sleeping behind the couch on his giant stuffed dog, wrapped in a blanket.

After a few attempts, I wake him up and begin the routine all over again.

Concerns

We are a bit concerned about sleep schedule but are trying to let Colin self-regulate as long as he maintains his good grades (currently a 4.02).  I have noticed a slight backsliding in behavior. There are more frequent shushes and I heard a few "Die!"s this week when he is intruded upon. I also heard at least one "Thank You" after I performed one of my many acts of kindness.

We are remaining calm and steady while Colin navigates a full schedule of school, swimming,  jazz band and quiz team. It is tough to maintain distance to let our son work things out but I believe it to be critical to do so. He will ask for help when he needs it most.

I will try to remain upbeat and grateful.

As always, we are a work-in-progress!

Happy Friday!