Sunday, October 13, 2013

The "C" Word

Colin is doing better today. Yesterday after he was restrained and drugged, he was able to calm down and drift in and out of sleep. He was so triggered, it took 2 doses of Haldol to sedate him. After pinpointing the trigger to the air system, the staff was able to close the air vents in my son's room.

 Later that day, after removing his leg restraints and passing his "interviews" the staff took off his arm restraints and let him move about the room. He was also given his headphones back. Colin is dressed in a purple hospital gown to signify "Flight Risk" as he did admit to a fantasy of walking down the hall to a waiting car that would take him home.

I spoke with the on-call psychiatrist last night after she had a chance to speak with Colin. He was a bit more forthcoming with information as to why he was there but is still in denial that there is anything wrong with him. He admitted to getting mad and yelling at his parents for taking him against his will to doctors over the past few months. He also may have admitted to some sounds bothering him but did not get into detail. I was able to fill in the blanks. The psychiatrist offered to give our son Prozac to help calm his brain. I told her unless he was agitated, I would prefer to wait until he is seen by his psychiatrist or unless she conferred with our new doctor if she felt an SSRI drug was needed.

C is for "Crazy"

Colin has mentioned on several occasions that he is "Not crazy" which I believe is the root of his denial. I can't imagine what must be going through his head. So many people can not understand how our son could appear so normal at school and in public that there is a misconception he could control his Misophonia. Control is an illusion. Fear is what keeps things in check. Fear of being called "Crazy".

I spoke with my brother yesterday and asked about his kids. His oldest is living in NYC and trying to break into acting. I was told my nephew keeps safe when out at night by acting crazy. People fear "Crazy"; even thugs! There is such a stigma that is attached to having a mental health issue, even when there is a neurological-based origin. Crazy is unpredictable and we fear what we don't know.

We have banned the "C" word from being used in our household.

Preparing for the Extended Stay

I had prepped the nurses that we should limit phone calls home to once a day and that they should make sure he is not calling to get a ride. Once he was untethered, Colin stopped sleeping in the bed and has gone back to either standing or kneeling in the closet and using a shelf to rest his head. I was comforted by the fact he is using a pillow and seems to be getting some sleep but concerned he is not eating much. He seems to gravitate to the closet as this is the quietest place in the room. Colin was not happy to learn that he is not going home yet. I believe this to be the cause of lack of appetite and for the lack of interest in reading or doing anything.

I took my middle-son to visit early this afternoon for an hour. I stayed out of sight in the Family Lounge so as not to trigger Colin. My 15 year old still has a rapport with his brother. I was hoping a short visit might help lift his spirits and get our son to eat. Colin didn't want to watch t.v. but after a brief negotiation the boys played cards and ate some snacks. The visit went well. I was also encouraged that the hospital was able to  schedule an MRI tomorrow for Colin.

I'm not sure when a bed will open up at the Psychiatric hospital but I hope it will be soon. I am anxious for treatment to start. It breaks my heart to think of my son languishing in a room, staring off into space and constantly asking about going home. I wish there was something I could do. Unfortunately it is best for me to stay away for now. This flies in the face of my duties as a mother. Parenting is full of hard choices. I need to stay strong.

We are a work-in-progress.


  1. You are SO strong. You seem to always keep in the forefront of your mind, the knowledge that you have to keep remembering what is best for your son. You're going through something infinitely more difficult than most parents can ever imagine and you're handling it. Stay strong. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.

  2. Yes, you need courage and optimism. Your son is lucky to have understanding parents who are doing their best for him. Thank-you so much for sharing your story. It can only help make life better for our kids and families. Our struggle with misophonia is so strange. Hearing about it first-hand will help raise awareness and understanding.